I’ve been struggling lately. I’m no longer afraid to admit it, but when asked ‘how are you going’ my answer will always be ‘I’m good’. It’s an automatic response that falls out of my mouth before i even think about it. I can’t explain how I feel because I don’t actually understand it myself, so how can I explain it to someone else?
Small things set off the tears but at the same time I don’t have a care in the world. I try and help those around me with their issues no matter how big or small while not giving a shit about my own. I feel down about nothing in particular and then get angry because I have no reason to be upset and heaven forbid I have a cry for no reason.
I don’t like to be surrounded by lots of people, there’s too much noise, too many things to concentrate on and it makes me anxious. Kids parties are a killer, mainly because of how large my family is. I’d much rather sleep through them. As much as I want to, I don’t. I get through and let my emotions out when everyone has left.
I find clarity in the shower, although that also scares me because that’s not always a safe place for me. The hot water raining over me, the music playing through my phone, the calmness. It’s also where I’m most destructive. Every thought for the day comes racing through my head, every scenario of ‘what could happen’ pops up, every what if, every why, and no matter how loud the music is or how hot the water is I suddenly find myself in a ball on the floor.
Searching for that calmness to return, telling myself I can’t control everything, it’s OK tomorrow is a new day, wheres the blade? and that’s how quickly it all happens.
Even without speaking those close to me can tell how I’m feeling or if I’m OK by what I’m listening to. My playlist will always tell you before I do. I don’t have a favorite genre that I listen to, it’s very random and some would probably say erratic. I don’t like soft music when I’m angry or upset, I like heavy metal or rap and I’ve been told that it’s possibly because my heart is already racing that if I try to trick it and my brain into having a reason to be racing other than my anxiety then it helps calm it down.
That probably doesn’t make any sense, but I get it. I can’t even keep track of what I’m writing tonight. I’ve got too much going through my mind, not enough space for it all to fit and there’s no point dwelling on any of it as it’s probably all shit anyway!